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Must be the time of year for Catholic jokes...


One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.".



Campaigning

While walking down the street  one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically  hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives  in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the   entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says  St. Peter. 'Before you settle in,  it seems  there is a problem. We seldom see a high  official around these parts, you see, so we're  not sure what to do with you.'
'No  problem, just let me in,' says the  man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I  have  orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you  spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then  you can choose where to spend  eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven,'  says the  MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our  rules.'
And with  that, St. Peter   escorts him to the elevator and he goes  down, down, down  to hell. The doors open  and he finds himself in the middle of a green   golf course. In the distance is a  clubhouse and standing in front of it  are  all his friends and other politicians who had  worked with  him.Everyone is very  happy and in evening dress. They run to greet  him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the  good times they had  while getting rich at  the expense of the people.
They play a   friendly game of golf and then dine on  lobster, caviar and  champagne.
Also  present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty  farewell and waves while the elevator  rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up  and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter  is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass  with the MP joining a group  of contented  souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the  harp and singing.  They have a good time  and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have  gone by  and St. Peter  returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day  in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose  your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a  minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never  have said it before, I mean heaven has  been delightful, but I  think I would be better off  in  hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the  elevator and he goes down,  down, down to  hell.

Now the doors of  the elevator  open and he's in the middle of a barren land  covered with waste and garbage.He  sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking  up the trash and putting it in black bags as  more trash falls from above.
The devil  comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
  
What  happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles  and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... 

Today  you voted.'

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This page contains a single entry by Jonathan published on April 1, 2010 10:37 AM.

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