Recently in humor Category

Canadian Temperature Chart

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Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50o Fahrenheit (10o C)

New Yorkers try to turn on the heat

Canadians plant gardens

40o Fahrenheit (4.4o C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Canadians sunbathe

35o Fahrenheit (1.6o C)

Italian cars won't start

Canadians drive with the windows down

32o Fahrenheit (0o C)

Distilled water freezes

Canadian water gets thicker

0o Fahrenheit (-17.9o C)

New York City landlords turn on heat

Canadians have last cookout of the season

-40o Fahrenheit (-40o C)

Hollywood disintegrates

Canadians rent some videos

-60o Fahrenheit (-51o C)

Mt. St. Helens freezes

Canadian girl guides sell cookies door to door

-100o Fahrenheit (-73o C)

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole

Canadians pull down their ear flaps

-173o Fahrenheit (-114o C)

Ethyl alcohol freezes

Canadians can't thaw the keg

-460o Fahrenheit (-273o C)

Alcohol zero; all atomic motion stops

Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500o Fahrenheit (-295o C)

Hell freezes over

Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

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Proverbs From Around The World

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WUHAN, CHINA - FEBRUARY 18:   Worshippers burn...

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Night rinses what the day has soaped.
           --Swiss

It's not the fault of the post that the blind man can't see it.
           --Sanskrit

God deliver me from a man of one book.
           --English

Old age does not announce itself.
           --Zulu

An ounce of patience is worth a pound of brains.
           --Dutch

From my Page-A-Day email calendar: Uncle John's Bathroom Reader


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Tragic Marriage

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It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable
differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

Cell Phone Humor

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Joke from my Twitter stream:

A iphone user and android user meet.

iPhone: 'Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't work'
Android: 'meeting was canceled - didn't you get the text?'


(source)

Baptist Cowboy

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Latest joke over the email transom:

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Joke: Deer Camp

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MsRedPen posts a pretty funny joke, which is especially apropos, as my annual battle to go to Maine deer hunting approaches as well.

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp together for years. A couple of days before they plan to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

 Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three men arrive at the campsite only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Whoa man, how long have you been here? How did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"I got here last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

 And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So, here I am."


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FCKH8

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It's late enough here on the East Coast of the US to drop the F-bomb, isn't it? Many times, right? Well, here's the pretty funny ad for FCKH8.com -

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More quotes

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Cleaning out the inbox leads to this discovery:

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I''ll have another beer." - W. C. Fields

You have two cows...

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Lastest joke to come over the email transom:

DEMOCRATIC
 You have two cows.
 Your neighbor has none.
 You feel guilty for being successful.
 Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
 You have two cows.
 Your neighbor has none.
 So?
SOCIALIST
 You have two cows.
 The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
 You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
 You have two cows.
 The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
 You wait in line for hours to get it.
 It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
 You have two cows.
 You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
 You have two cows.
 Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot
 the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
 You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
  surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
  analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
 Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You go on strike because you want three cows.
 You go to lunch and drink wine.
 Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
  and produce twenty times the milk.
 They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
 Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
  excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
 Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
 While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
 You break for lunch.
 Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 You have some vodka.
 You count them and learn you have five cows.
 You have some more vodka.
 You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
 The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. 
TALIBAN CORPORATION
 You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
 You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's parts.
 You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
  alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
 You have two cows.
 They go into hiding.
 They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
 You have two bulls.
 Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
 You have one cow.
 The cow is schizophrenic.
 Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
 The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
 The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
 The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
 The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
 You have a black cow and a brown cow.
 Everyone votes for the best looking one.
 Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
  vote for the black one.
 Some people vote for both.
 Some people vote for neither.
 Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
 Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
  think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
 You have millions of cows.
 They  make real California cheese.
 Only five speak English.
 Most are illegals.
 Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Ten Ways of Cheney

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Cartoon of the day

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A long list of pretty good cartoons just came over the email transom, but this one was the one that made me chuckle the most. Humor is such an odd thing, isn't it?

Bang.jpg

Old Jokes

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I just saw this joke on a mailing list:

This would be akin to the old story about a performer auditioning before a theater manager. The performer floats above the stage under his own power and then flies from one end of the theater to the other. The performer then lands back on the stage. The theater manage asks "do you do anything else other than bird imitations?"

And that reminded me of this one:

Dog Talents

A guy walks into a talent agency with a dog, and says "I've got a great act...my dog can actually talk."

"Surrrre he can," replies the talent agent, "prove it."

So the fellow asks the dog, "What is on top of a building?"

"Roof, roof!" the dog replies.

"What does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough, rough!" the dog replies.

The talent agent starts to get impatient as the man asks his dog,

"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth, Ruth!" says the dog.

Instantly the talent agent throws open the door, and kicks the pair out of his office.

After a few seconds, the dog looks up at his master and says,

"Should I have said DiMaggio?"

Lawns...

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Just got back from a lunch time lawn mowing over to my mother-in-law's. The grass had grown an incredible amount in just over a week, as it does here in New England during the springtime. And I'm going to need a machete to hack my way through our backyard if I don't get out and cut it this weekend, again after less than a week. I should really get one of those push rotary mowers, for both ecological and physiological reasons, but I still like whacking my way through with my lawnmower. Hey, at least it is a four stroke engine. Up until a few years ago, I had an old Lawnboy two stroke, which is about as polluting a device as you could buy. I don't even think they sell them any more.

Anyway, all this lawn mowing brings to mind a favorite joke I've kept around:

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in The world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the Dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a Perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, Withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of Songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are These green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's Temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass Growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and Poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow Really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will Grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and Saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in The spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and Protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to Enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great Piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the Winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy Something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in Place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the Mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us Tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about -

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Spy Humor

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I found a site (shoutout to JoHo for the link) where our own National Security Agency will answer your questions.  Have any for them?

Dear NSA

Put'em down

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Just got a good one via email: A good dis, when somebody is starting to tell you things that don't make sense:

"That's not even wrong yet"

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